Last night and today I've been through a wave of emotions. My withdrawal from emotional eating has been worse than trying to quit smoking. Last night, even though I was under my calorie limit I didn't want to start eating because I knew that would end up putting me over. Having been under the day before, I was really hoping to get two days in a row. A small amount would have been ok, but emotional eating is NEVER a small amount. Also, my wife wasn't under so even a small amount would have put her over even farther. I was angry that I wouldn't though. I tried to push the blame (in my head) to my wife, "If she had eaten the same as me, I would be having something sweet right now." Then I got angry at myself for not just having something, but then I got angry for even having that thought. But I think that was just the withdrawal talking.
Today I've been a mess, secretly tearing up in my office, on and off. Partially because of the emotions from last night, I'm sure, but now I think it is JUNK food withdrawal. It is a fine line though isn't it. I had a healthy breakfast. But then I get to the point where I would have a snack. Because I was so upset I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to start that cycle in general. Yes, may have started with a healthy snack, but maybe then dominoed out of control. I hated the thought that I had to fight that thought. But then I could feel my blood sugar get low, and the "Snicker Joe" (from the Snicker's commercial with Joe P in it) effect comes in. When I’m moody because I haven't had anything. The withdrawal moods was feeding the snicker joe effect. I was crying more and getting nowhere. One was making the other worse. Because I recognized the snicker joe effect, and I can't be snappy at work, I ended up having some melon. Then I started to think clearly again. Even though I still wanted the Full Fat Vanilla Latter as comfort, I'm trying not to submit to it.
I wonder how long these withdrawals are for. And if I have anything sweet, is that going to reset the clock, like quitting smoking, you can make it x many hours but then you end up having one, and then you have to go through the pains of getting to that point again to see if you can make it further. Is giving up junk food going to open old wounds that have been covered by emotional eating? Things have been buried so long I don't even know what might come up.
So far I'm getting through today; I might try and plan my calories so I can have a coffee with some cream and one sugar in it, instead of black. Is that giving in though?
I'm now done my lunch of a large salad and some pretzels. My stomach is trying to tell me I'm still hungry. Can I convince it to SHUT UP? I should be relatively full. Maybe I can trick it with water.
I'm on day 12 of recording EVERYTHING. The first 8 days was getting most things under control, understanding how much I had been eating. Of the past four days I have been under two, close on one, and not too bad on the other. It is hard to keep in mind it does get better. Food is not the answer it is the fuel, other than that it is baggage you literally have to carry with you everywhere. I have to keep in mind I am trying to shed that extra baggage that I have been carrying. I guess that means I need to shed some emotional baggage I didn't even know I was carrying.
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