#187 BFN again (03/27/13)

My body has been crying wolf for days now.  Spotting heavily, is this going to be CD1?  Then nothing, which makes me think, was this just heavy implantation?  I get my hopes remotely up, then spotting again.  This has been happening since CD21, and it is now CD27.  Deb keeps trying to keep me positive and try and welcome a sticky bean, but I don’t think it has happened. 

This month will be try number 3.  Our original plan was to try me three times and then try Deb three times, if still no luck, start the adoption process.  We have been waiting so long for my body to be ready that it seems a waste to not keep trying, but this is why we planned what we did.  We didn’t want to spend so much money on no guarantee.  If we spend that money on adoption fees, theoretically, eventually, we would end up with a baby.  But it wouldn’t be quite the same. 

In my opinion the cosmic joke in the TTC journey is that when you get the red NO you’re not pregnant, you are also in the heightened emotional state of PMS which makes the rejection worse.  Alas, today is officially CD1 again.  Hopefully I get to say “third time’s a charm” after this round, if we go this month.

#186 IUI#2 DPI#7 (03/15/13)

Today I’m emotional, saw a smidge of spotting, and having cramps.  I’m pretty sure I’m out for this cycle, as this is the same things I that happened last cycle (only a day earlier).  The trying to conceive journey is emotionally exhausting, and I’m only on cycle 2.  It has been a long time coming, but still only cycle 2.  

#185 Excuse #11 (03/15/13)

Lately I’ve been noticing another excuse getting in the way.  I’ve been lax on the fact that I haven’t been losing weight.  I do panic a little when the scale goes up, but so far, most of those ups have been balanced with downs, just not losing weight further.  I’m losing motivation because I am trying to get pregnant and that is a main focus.  I have been (mostly) logging my food on MFP (My Fitness Pal) and somewhat coming within my calorie allotments.  

We have started to get a workout most days; 20-30 minutes, unless we have a long shop on our to-do list that day or errands, where we are fairly out and about and active for the day.  But it seems that because we are walking/cycling every day I seem to use that as an excuse not to push to break a sweat.  It seems to be a partial lackadaisical workout.  It is good that we are getting activity most days, and that is why we book it as 20-30 minutes on alternating days, so it isn’t that hard to book that much time, but we need not use that as an excuse to slack as a workout.  Don’t get me wrong we don’t just putz while on the stationary bike, or walk as slow as possible on the treadmill, I could just do more.  The excuse seems to be, me being on the fence about putting a lot of effort into losing weight because I’m hopefully about to get pregnant, which would mean putting it all back on. 

Excuse #11 – Life becoming the excuse.  For me that is planning pregnancy (at this point.) My counter to that is, I just have to remember any pound I lose now is one I won’t be carrying when I add extra weight for baby. 

This week has been a slippery slope of gradually getting worse about what I’ve been eating and how much.  I need to stop it now and regain focus that I am losing weight to get pregnant and be healthier while pregnant, and when I have a baby to carry and look after.  If I don’t nip this in the bud now, when I am pregnant, excuses will come flying out of my head as to why I can’t exercise, or why I am eating bad foods. 

Tomorrow’s weigh in isn’t going to be kind, I don’t think.  I just need to keep going and not let it bring me down and start emotionally eating.  

#184 IUI#2 (03/14/13)

Well, today was IUI#2.  The difference this time was it was a little more uncomfortable.  The speculum was pried open a little further than needed in my books, which was the more uncomfortable part of the whole procedure.  After trying the first catheter the nurse took it out, and tried a different one to be sure the sperm went where it was supposed to.  I did feel it poke, so it got in.  We did have a chuckle though, while the nurse was doing her thing, Deb mouthed the word “RELAX”, and which I responded silently the words “I’m Trying”.  That gave us the giggles and the nurse asked if we were ok.

This time, I’m not having as much seepage which is hopefully better news.  Our sperm had a very different count this time.  It was 42m per ml, (our first was 76).  The upside is the motility was higher this time at 54% instead of 42%.  End result though is, 9 mil active which was lower than last time at 13.6 mil. 

Fingers crossed the sample had the ONE we need.  

#183 Day 12 Ultrasound (03/012/13)

The ultrasound went well again today.  No secret tonsil shots from the underside.  My lining is looking good; I think he said it was about 8-9 mm, which is in the standard average range I believe.   My follicle is a perfect 2.0, so we do the HCG shot again tonight.  This time around, I’m a lot less anxious about that, as the last one, I didn’t feel a thing, my Sherpa/nurse was wonderful at giving the needle.  My IUI is on Thursday, and I have the acupuncture booked pre and post, as well as a Chiro appointment that day. 

With the timing, I will be finding out on Easter, if things took.  So let’s hope this little Easter Egg gets a good hiding place for the next nine months.  

#182 Eggs and Sperm (03/011/13)

Well, my co-worker has a lovely sense of humor.  This morning she brought me in an arrangement of cookies.  The funny of it is; they are sperm and eggs.  She loves to bake and apparently has every cookie cutter imaginable, even sperm.  

On other fertility news, my day 10 ultrasound was yesterday.  My ripe follicle is on the right side again.  It is a little bigger than last time, 1.6 (rather than 1.5).  I will be having a day 12 to see how things are going.  It looks like my IUI will be on Thursday or Friday. 

When I let my grandma know that the first cycle didn’t take she was surprised.  She had a dream about my mom knitting a baptism outfit, but the outfit was too small for a baby.  She had that dream three times.  There is a side note about her dreams, and being a little prophetic, so I said “when the dress fits a baby, that is when I’ll be pregnant.”  

#181 CD1 Trail #2 (03/01/13)

It’s official, after a few days of false starts, today is cycle day 1 again.  Alas, everything happens for a reason and I need to hold on to that.  I’ve been slightly sulky today and it’s hard not to.  And now I’m being tempted with cupcakes in the work lunchroom.  I don’t know if I will resist or not.  The double diet whammy on that is, I ordered a latte this afternoon, before knowing about the cupcakes.  I’m falling off the extra caffeine wagon today, but I have the weekend to recover.  Let’s see if I can resist the cupcakes.  I doubt it. 

Let’s hope this cycle is a good one.  At least I have been through the first TWW (well 11 day wait) and know what phantom symptom not to get my hopes up for.  The two week rotation is a bit of a patience tester.  But there is nothing I can do to change this.  

PS: I was able to resist the cupcakes, only because they were a store brand I am not fond of.  They are ok, but not worth the calories.  So that is a plus I guess.  Resist by default.